bleed in, breathe out. [entries|friends|calendar] human heat [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[Monday | April 16, 2007 | 5:36pm] [ music | explosions in the sky. ] it's been four and a 1/2 months. not since i've written in this thing, but since. just since. sometimes, i'm laying in bed and my heart jumps out of my throat in the worst way. i can't even describe the way the headaches when i get out of bed. i don't know what's worse... getting a migraine first thing in the morning or feeling like your stomach is going to cave in.  my best friend is here and i'm supposed to be excited. but i'm not even close. it's nice to see him. try to see him make it on his own. but in the weirdest way, i just wanted to be miserable by myself. no amount of milligrams can spin this into something relatively normal. i'm sitting still while my head moves ten thousand miles an hour. sure, i take my mind off of it. i drink a bottle of wine or stare into the sky for hours until my throat is so raw from these organic cigarettes that i have to drink another bottle of wine until the rawness disappears.  i sound pathetic, i'm sure. but the fucked up thing is.. this is becoming normal. i'm waiting for it to get better. but, that's all i find myself doing. waiting. waiting while everything passes me by. waiting while i realize that i lost it all that day. that one day. which was also a holiday. it's now jaded forever.  i've smoked enough marijuana to kill my cat. it's my day off. i should be doing something else. like.. vacumming the house fifteen times in a row. ease your feet into the sea.

[Friday | February 17, 2006 | 2:37pm] [ mood | content ] retired

[Thursday | July 14, 2005 | 11:36pm] [ music | tristeza. ] i think laying awake for three hours listening to explosions in the sky albums changed me a little. i dont know how, exactly. more aware, maybe? less confused. able to appreciate something through all of the chaos that is me. i wish things would hit me faster & harder like they used to. it's funny, even through all the lows & depression i went through when i was becoming a young adult, i never seemed to stop laughing. now i can't remember the last time i did. maybe i dont want to. i hate writing bullshit entries like this. and for some reason, i wont make it private. inviting people into my life is scary, as of lately. i dont think i want to do it much anymore. the people that are in my life as of 11:38 pm on this thursday night, i'm content with. i'm also content with staying awake until five am. i never used to be. not unless i was depressed. just maybe. i hope not. 3 &&& ease your feet into the sea.

[Sunday | July 10, 2005 | 12:28pm] just refrain. 3 &&& ease your feet into the sea.

[Monday | July 04, 2005 | 12:37pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | bowie. ] WAKE UP. 2 &&& ease your feet into the sea.

[Sunday | June 26, 2005 | 12:04pm] 2 &&& ease your feet into the sea.

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]