bleed in, breathe out.

tu_es_adorable @ 2007-04-16T17:36:00

2007-04-17T00:44:18Z

it's been four and a 1/2 months. not since i've written in this thing, but since. just since. sometimes, i'm laying in bed and my heart jumps out of my throat in the worst way. i can't even describe the way the headaches when i get out of bed. i don't know what's worse... getting a migraine first thing in the morning or feeling like your stomach is going to cave in.

my best friend is here and i'm supposed to be excited. but i'm not even close. it's nice to see him. try to see him make it on his own. but in the weirdest way, i just wanted to be miserable by myself. no amount of milligrams can spin this into something relatively normal. i'm sitting still while my head moves ten thousand miles an hour. sure, i take my mind off of it. i drink a bottle of wine or stare into the sky for hours until my throat is so raw from these organic cigarettes that i have to drink another bottle of wine until the rawness disappears.

i sound pathetic, i'm sure. but the fucked up thing is.. this is becoming normal. i'm waiting for it to get better. but, that's all i find myself doing. waiting. waiting while everything passes me by. waiting while i realize that i lost it all that day. that one day. which was also a holiday. it's now jaded forever.

i've smoked enough marijuana to kill my cat. it's my day off. i should be doing something else. like.. vacumming the house fifteen times in a row.

tu_es_adorable @ 2006-02-17T14:37:00

2006-02-17T22:33:56Z

retired

tu_es_adorable @ 2005-07-14T23:36:00

2005-07-15T06:38:45Z

i think laying awake for three hours listening to explosions in the sky albums changed me a little. i dont know how, exactly. more aware, maybe? less confused. able to appreciate something through all of the chaos that is me. i wish things would hit me faster & harder like they used to. it's funny, even through all the lows & depression i went through when i was becoming a young adult, i never seemed to stop laughing. now i can't remember the last time i did.

maybe i dont want to.
i hate writing bullshit entries like this. and for some reason, i wont make it private. inviting people into my life is scary, as of lately. i dont think i want to do it much anymore. the people that are in my life as of 11:38 pm on this thursday night, i'm content with. i'm also content with staying awake until five am. i never used to be. not unless i was depressed. just maybe. i hope not.

tu_es_adorable @ 2005-07-10T12:28:00

2005-07-10T19:30:12Z

just refrain.

tu_es_adorable @ 2005-07-04T12:37:00

2005-07-04T19:38:20Z

WAKE UP.

tu_es_adorable @ 2005-06-26T12:04:00

2005-06-25T19:06:26Z

tu_es_adorable @ 2005-01-03T12:06:00

2005-01-03T20:06:36Z

ti amo, vengo a casa

tu_es_adorable @ 2005-01-02T13:24:00

2005-01-02T21:24:46Z

i feel very very very loved.

i had an amazing weekend. words couldn't do justice.

we're about to go for a walk right now.
new years was nice. not enough fireworks, though!
i still feel very lucky to be here, typing, watching tv, talking and laughing with my girlfriend, seeing my cats, being alive... and i think i always will.

with all things considered, i think i'm probably the most lucky boy.
wish i could be with my friends, family... but soon enough.

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-12-24T11:08:00

2004-12-24T19:08:37Z

merry christmas.

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-12-23T09:46:00

2004-12-23T17:51:13Z

GOD. i think i just broke my gay toe. how fucked. i hope this shit heals so i can play when i go back east. good lord. just did dishes, cleaned the T O I L E T Y U C K. watched a daniel stern movie (god), cleaned kitty litter-also not a fan, and thought about how i'm going to hate working!

wow talk about fucking spoiled right.. three days off and i still want more.

last night briana & i went out the changs and ate some fucked mango chicken and some non tast'n orange peel chicken. the ny cheesecake was hittin the spot, though. and so were the vodka tonics & lemon martinis. hell yes.

she bites when she's drunk!

bought some napoleon dynamite action yesterday... bad news, i think i'm being dumped for him. i mean, after all.. his fucking native american scene shirts are the new black.

ANYWAY
fucking gay toe
bye

for reals.

2004-12-09T17:21:54Z

ok, time for a real entry.

i had a nice three days off. sat around the house for most of it with bree. we bought movies & other fun things. bundled up, smoked a doobie and cuddled. perfect weekend. we also bought cute winter additions to our wardrobe(s)!

me:

her:

(but in brown)

it's the first time in a while that we've had money, so it was nice being able to just blow it on stuff that we deserve and want. although, we really need to start christmas shopping. hopefully on a weekend coming up soon we're buying a christmas tree! i'm excited.. my first apartment & my first tree! all with breeeeee<3! our cats will ruin everything because they're assholes. but that's ok. it'll still be fun. can't wait!

CAN'T WAIT!

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-11-19T10:19:00

2004-11-19T18:20:04Z

I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND!

did you hear?
:)

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-10-18T17:25:00

2004-10-19T00:26:08Z

october sixteenth = the happiest day of my life so far :D
we had fun. we have kittens. we ate good food.
the end. sorta ;)

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-10-18T17:23:00

2004-10-19T00:24:28Z

kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
kittens
:)

a perfect day

2004-04-27T19:23:21Z

well ok my host for pictures is a total douche sometimes, so i can't post our pictures. i'm sure briana will post them all and get it right because she's a the big winner and i have a weiner so of course i lose
but we had an amazing day the other day. it was close to eighty the other day so we went to the park after she had to convince me to go, i didn't wanna... but we went and had a cute day. we took pictures, then we fell asleep on our blanket. making fun of people is exhausting. we woke up to the smell of bbq so we went home and grilled chicken and veggies. yum. then, played some video games, kissed and went to sleepies. very lovely.

ok thats all bye

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-04-19T17:55:00

2004-04-20T00:57:33Z

oh jesus this sucks!
i have three days off and i'm going out of my mind and it's only the second day! briana is at work until 8 and i'm stuck being dracula in the downstairs basement. bahhh. i looked at the weather today for the east coast. rising 80's. putt putt. i miss home. maybe i'll convince briana to move away! yeah, that's the TICKET. i don't know. i feel anxious. very anxious. hmm. EASY MAC. bye.

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-04-13T18:00:00

2004-04-14T01:04:36Z

yep yep
i'm off tomorrow weeee
i have NO IDEA what to do
maybe i'll go to best buy? i love that place almost as much as spilling pink lemonade all over myself. almost
but i think i'm gonna go write music until bree comes home then hopefully go be bop around town and get foooood
i miss her, we work too much and i miss eric, which sucks but i talked to him a day ago and it was super
i'm thirsty and i want a cigarette
something like 10 days until i go to two a day.. woo >:/
but i decided i like being alive more so than i would like to be dead
lately
mason jennings, now its overhead, adam green and the who have been turning me on
thats whats up with me
i'm lame
i'm leaving
goodBYE

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-03-20T17:32:00

2004-03-21T01:32:49Z

FUCK TODAY.

sorta.

beavis and butthead is on!

2004-03-13T00:45:07Z

alright, i'm going to let you all in on how shitty my everyday is. now, don't get me wrong. it doesn't exist all day long, thankfully. this goes on until around four o'clock. that's when i'm released from slave labor and the party starts in my car with my dance party cd collection. i should install a mirror ball on the interior roof of my car, that way assholes on the interstate will for sure know whats up, to stay the fuck away from me and let me into their lane on demand. fuck right. i mean, shit. i would if i saw some asshole doing raver moves with a disco ball shimmering throughout the inside of their car. if you say you wouldn't, then that's a liar liar pants on fire situation and you know it. anyway, back to my day. i get up around 6:30. well, that's when i hit snooze. i bitch and moan for about a half an hour until briana pushes my back and makes me go to that shithole. i put on crappy clothes that are stained from the day before just because i'm too lazy to do laundry when i get home. i go outside into my freezing car and every morning the radio is up full blast due to the dance party the day before. so after that scares the shit out of me, i realize i forgot SOMETHING inside the house. which is every day. so i run back in the house to retrieve whatever i left behind, which in turn makes me later than i was before. so then.. i get railed with asshole traffic. people not merging. people slamming on brakes. people cluttering up the roads. that happens for about fifteen minutes. so then after alot of clever manuevering, i'm in the clear. i'm on my way to work. i usually have two cigarettes that keep me sane before realizing what a shitfilled day i have ahead of me. i light them up at the same spots everyday. so then i'm at work, greeted by the hispanic brother named jesus. ok, he rules. so then i do my early work for the day, set up the kitchen, everything that's needed. turn on the hispanic music for the prep ladies and dance with them in my free time. i wish. then, eleven thirty rolls around and i'm not ready for the day. shit is missing. my head isn't on straight. i get yelled at, bitched at, threatened. it really FUCKING sucks. it's over at 1:30. the yuppies in their yachts pull away, programmers go back to work, business meetings are done and dealt with and then i help the dinner workers set up their stations and i go home usually around three o'clock if i'm lucky. if not, then it's four. i work with assholes. for assholes. my job sucks in the worst way possible. i miss everyone back east and routine is the worst thing to fall into. i think. i'm against routine. only because it makes you feel very old and very normal. who wants that? i don't. i would give anything to lay in bed all day, play gamecube, watch animal planet and smoke the occasional cigarette. oh yeah, did i mention i live in seattle? so that goes without saying that everyday is like sunday, here. shitty shit shit shit. rain and more rain. alright, i'm done. stay away from routine and seattle. that's my advice! but then.. after all of the dictatorship and the hierarchy nonsense that goes on throughout the day.. it's all worth it when i come home to a happy dog and a very smiley girlfriend that reassures me that things will work out. someday.

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-02-18T14:26:00

2004-02-18T22:30:17Z

these last months have been some of the best i've had. i've became close to someone i never thought i would again. i miss alot of people that now aren't in my life as a result of the decisions i've made. but, if they're my friends like they said they would be + are... then i'll see them again. right? right.

i like calling valentines day.. v-day.
i'm really not interested in livejournal anymore. it's lost it's potential fun. i guess i like laying in bed under the sheets with her instead. i miss california and eric alot. i keep having weird nightmares. i found out i sleepfight. i would like some candy carmel apple pops, please. saw the red lights sting + the blood brothers. good fun.
ok i'm done now. bye.

tu_es_adorable @ 2004-01-09T20:09:00

2004-01-10T04:10:10Z

underworld was such a piece of shit.
i feel like death i am so sick.
blah

bye

tu_es_adorable @ 2003-12-05T16:47:00

2003-12-06T00:47:19Z

dear anyone-
this journal is being deleted by sunday afternoon.

i keep journals like i keep lighters.
it just doesn't happen.
i may or may not have a new one. if you're interested, comment or email me and i'll add you if i get around to making a new one.
otherwise- take care

when it comes, it comes;

2003-12-05T21:21:57Z

so i'm moving to seattle washington in two days. maybe tomorrow. i'm not sure how briana feels yet. my stomach is in knots sometimes when i think about it. that's alright. i want some cold on me lately. i've loved the time i've spent in los angeles. i've made some nice memories here. first time for alot of things. first time for sushi. wasn't a huge fan of the tuna. but the eel. yum. and i guess i'm lame because i like the california roll which isn't really sushi. hmph. it's quite yummy. still can't quite get the sticks down. i will, though. eric thought he was so on the ball with chopsticks. he was full of shit. i love him haha. so i really want to get my baby kitty already. name her lola and just be happy in our warm apartment laying on our hardwood living room floor with our fireplace on talking about anything with briana. that's perfect. we're going to have an amazing scarf collection since i just bought her a sewing kit from urban outfitters. we're sixty years old. it's so fun. we go to bed early and get up early and cook yummy omlettes then watch movies all day long. it's what i've always wanted to do. i'm so glad i'm not where i was three years ago. some of my late teens were the best years of my life. especially with eric. more to come, i'm sure.

i love sushi
and i love you

tu_es_adorable @ 2003-12-04T16:16:00

2003-12-05T00:19:45Z

eric came.
my shoulder is broken.
i feel like killing my girlfriends ex with broken glass all over his piece of shit face.
i have a headache.
i'm having a stupid day.
moving to seattle in a few days.
going to see larry tonight, i think.
yeah.

;jlkjl;kjl;k
i drank the shit pepsi again
GOD
time to pick up ana

dreamboat!

2003-12-01T22:44:50Z

i am so fucking excited to see my boy tonight!
i wish he was here for more than two measley days. but oh well. at least i get to see him. i'm sort of scared that briana is going to find out my secret that i'm a huge loser and act like i'm twelve years old around the boob lover then she'll dump me and we won't ever ever have pretty babies together.
AWWWW NUTS!

ok back to packing..

i love me some cinnabreasts.